Before I left on our trip, I read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is “don’t take anything personally”. Basically it means that whatever people say or do comes from their own projected reality – it has nothing to do with you. So, their speach and actions are a result of how they perceive the world. When you take something someone else says or does personally, you’re agreeing with their world view. If you are secure in your own idea of yourself and how the world works, the opinions and actions of others don’t matter . . . . it has nothing to do with your world. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet, and I’m surrounded by a lot of family that is testing my work with this agreement. It’s funny how insecurities that I had as a kid, or ones that I feel like I have been trying to deal with my whole life sometimes come up when I get together with family. I was somewhat surprised to see some of these issues appear, as I didn’t spend much time with the family from here while I was growing up.
One of these issues is the feeling that I don’t quite fit in. Part of this is due to language issues (for all you parents out there, if English is not your native language, do whatever you can to ensure your child learns/speaks your native language! Both B-Rod and I feel somewhat cheated out of the opportunity to have been bilingual. I understand that our folks did the best they could and did what they felt was right for us at the time, but trust me . . . . . your bilingual child will thank you in the future!) The other part is that I AM a bit different based on the image of what an Asian/Filipina woman should look like. Here is the conversation I have had so many times in the past couple of days, and I anticipate having for as long as I’m here (the conversation that has started this vent)
Famiily member: Are you married?
Me: Yes
Famiily member: No babies?
Me: No babies
Famiily member: Why?!
Me: (different responses, but I’ve started resorting to the answer “exactly . . . . . why?”)
Family member: How old are you?
Me: 40
Family member: Are you going to adopt?
Me: No
It’s often followed by a bit of awkwardness at this point, as they don’t know what to make of it, and I am somewhat annoyed and taking it personally that I have to relive these questions and in some ways revisit some memories that were at one time really difficult for me. I know it is my issue that it is bothering me so much, but like I said . . . . I haven’t quite mastered the “don’t take things personally” rule just yet.
On the plus side, I have been welcomed with open arms and included in all of the family activities (which usually have to do with eating!) I’m family, so I am not only welcome, but I am also taken care of. I have been stuffed silly with food (to the point where I turned down a mango the other day . . . . I just couldn’t stuff anything else in my belly – DawnO, it will definitely be cleanse time when I get back. I’d be up for the rice fast if I didn’t miss vegetables so much!) A couple of nights ago, we showed up at my mom’s cousins house for dinner and it was like that scene from “My Big, Fat, Greek wedding” where Ian meets his future Greek in-laws for the first time. We walked in the door and were instantly enveloped by a shiza load of people. How are they related to me? I still don’t think I could tell you!
From dinner, we headed to the school. There was some kind of competition. From my understanding it doesn’t have to do with the festival – it was something separate. Don’t ask me . . . I’m still busy trying to figure out who I am and who I am not related to!
Hard to find a parking spot – everyone from San Carlos is parked at the school.
dancing . . . .
. . . . . elaborate costumes
How is this not a part of the festival??
The next day, my Tito Nestor and his family picked us up for breakfast.
From there, we drove a bit out of town into the mountains to one of my mom’s cousin’s houses. It’s only about 15 minutes out of town (so 15 minutes had passed since we finished breakfast). Guess what we did when we got there?
We had something to eat!!
driving to the mountain house
arriving and hanging out at the house
After spending some time there, we went to my mom’s other cousin’s house in town to . . . . . wait for it . . . . . EAT and hangout, as it was now lunchtime!
Tita Lilian had a late night the night before, so she was tired : )
November 1 in the Philippines is All Saints Day and November 2 is All Soul’s Day. Both days are a time to go to the graveyard to honour those who have passed. So after having a bit of a rest after all of the feasting, we headed to the graveyard.
We were there along with everyone else in San Carlos!
We arrived when it was still light out.
And left in darkness
The time in between was spent visiting different grave sights, leaving flowers, lighting candles and just hanging out.
It had rained during the day, so it was really muddy out there. At one point the excitement was a motorbike getting stuck just outside one of our sites.
My Tito Romulo and his family
The siblings
Near the end of the evening, cameras started to come out and people started to pose. I felt like it was the end of an ESL semester, with students taking as many pictures of everyone and everything that they could.
One of the few cousins that comes close to matching me in height!
We ended up having a quiet dinner out with just us and a cousin. I ordered a mixed vegetable dish (Filipino’s love meat and their dishes are very meat heavy) and got some veggies with chicken – this isn’t the first time I’ve ordered or asked for something vegetarian and gotten something with meat. The concept is so foreign to the culture that I think if it has vegetables in it, then it must be vegetarian!!
Today, my uncle picked us up and we headed to the market. We were going to go shopping for vegetables and he was going to cook us lunch.
My uncle is also in here . . . behind my mom
I discovered Putok . . . . basically the same as bud bud/suman (B-Rod, you’d love it!!)
My Tito Nestor lives in the house where my grandparents used to live. It was nice to go there again as I have memories of that house and of my grandparents there.
I remember playing on this thing with my cousins when I was a small kid
We ate guava which is on the property, and I also distinctly remember eating this at the house whenever I was there.
The house is exactly the same as I remember it.
Freakin Christmas has been in the Philippines since I arrived here at the beginning of October!!
My parents sat on the porch and visited with a few people (more relatives maybe?), I was kindly entertained by my cousin and her friends, and . . . . .
. . . . my other cousins and aunt acted as assistants while my uncle cooked in the kitchen.
It was masarap (delicious!) and included all the veggies we bought at the market.
The afternoon was spent at the mall where mom and I had a girly day getting manicures and pedicures while my dad got a manly haircut and shave. We were reminded of the upcoming festival, and the Miss San Carlos competition. I also started to notice the Pintaflores song playing in the mall (it seems to be the only song that they played). I am now hearing it everywhere and it is starting to drive me crazy (B-Rod think about the ice cream song and multiply that by 10!)
.
Our dinner feast was supposed to be spent at my Uncle Nestor’s house again as he was going to make me more “veggie” dishes, but we were surprised along the way to find that the party was now transfered to my Uncle Romulo’s house, complete with karaoke.
Am I singing?
Nope!! I’m dancing. Not quite the same as my dance parties at Deep Gold, but still entertaining.
A mango will be awarded to the first person who can answer this skill testing question, what is our plan in San Carlos for today (or what will we end up doing)?
Eating a meat heavy feast?
You win!! We ate a meat heavy feast at some relative's baby's baptism. I O U a mango!
Awww boo. I wanted a mango.
It's so funny… even though I wasn't visiting family when I was in the Philippines I remember all of those same questions. I wasn't married yet, so I was 'spared', but the other people that I was with were really frustrated too.
We can cleanse when you're home, but not on Nov 17!!
Enjoy the meat feasts!
dawnO
I love your answer to the childless question. "exactly…why?" Those of us with children can't even always answer that question, and if others want to keep that personal answer to themselves you have to respect that. I hope I always have.